We call it beer league hockey for a reason, right? It’s a part of the culture that beers will be knocked back in the locker room with the boys postgame, win or lose. Nothing makes the statement, “we aren’t athletes anymore and don’t take ourselves seriously” like drinking beers after (and sometimes even before) physical exertion. The type of beer a hockey team drinks after the game says a lot about them. Here is the Hockey Player’s Club guide to exactly what your post game beer says about your adult league team.
If your team only drinks Canadian beer, like Labatt, Molson, or Moosehead, you are likely a Crazy Canadian. You will never accept that American beer might be good simply because it is made in America. If somebody brings a case of Bud Light in the locker room you throw up a little in your mouth and kick them out because that just won’t fly in your room. It’s a pilsner from the great white north or nothing, period.
Hipster Hockey Nation
Pabst Blue Ribbon is pretty good, so please don’t take offense if you drink PBR and don’t consider yourself a hipster (even though you probably are). However, it’s commonly known that hipsters love this shit and can’t get enough of it. As evidenced by this hockey player who rocks two different colored socks while drinking PBR. How hipster.
Light Beer Losers
Let us preface this by noting that we (the authors) are light beer losers. If any of the guys remember to bring the beer, it’s likely Bud Light, Miller Light, Coors Light…whatever Light. These guys are fresh out of college or not far removed. Their skills are mid 40’s while their mindset is mid 20’s. These guys love the game and chirping over beers in the locker room. They stick with the light beers because they don’t want to go full dad bod just yet. The LBL’s keep it cheap because it’s more about the boys than the quality of the brew.
Craft Brew Crew
Not many beer league teams drink craft beer after the game, but those that do are likely millennials, have tattoo sleeves and/or have enviable beards. These guys have their shit together. Much more than any of us. While we stop at the beer store at the last second and grab a case for $16, these guys have the wherewithal to plan ahead and pay a premium, often times supporting a local brewery. This team is likely the first team in the league to pay their dues, have both home and away jerseys (with matchings socks to boot) and play adult league hockey more so for the beers after than for the game itself.
Bud Heavy Broozers
If you’re playing against a beer league hockey team that drinks Bud Heavy after the game, you better be prepared for a chippy affair. These broozers are typically alpha males with higher than suggested BMI’s who aren’t afraid of a tussle or two on a Monday night at 11:45 PM. Chances are these guys will chirp the shit out of you if your visor is tinted, if you don’t have a beer after the game or if your hockey bag has wheels.
Pale Ale Posse
These guys are likely newlyweds or dads who are new to the beer game. They are just getting into pale ales and are all about the hops. Cheers to these guys. Good thing they have sophisticated pallets (we say that loosely) because they have stone hands and the agility of a school bus.
The Anything Fruity Squad
Any beer that is fruity has no place in a hockey rink. Let us repeat that real quick. ANY BEER THAT IS FRUITY HAS NO PLACE IN A HOCKEY RINK. Fruity and cold just do not go together. We know beer league is non-checking and that might be soft, but your beer choice shouldn’t be. Bud Light Lime, Leinenkugel, and god forbid Mike’s Hard Lemonade or Zima are strictly banned. Please don’t do this…unless you do what these guys do:
Returned to our LR to dress for the champion ship game only to find we Pot of Gold, have been Iced by our opponents the Shamrocks! #bostondrafttournament2017 #drafttournament #beerleaguehockey #beerleague #hockey #beerleaguetalk #draftfamily #drafttournament #drafttourney @drafttournament @beerleaguetalk
The Beer on the Bench Crew
This isn’t as much a type of beer as it is a type of consumption. It is reserved for only the top level beer league athletes who can somehow slam brews between shifts and still go out and bury. These are the guys all beer league hockey players aspire to be. For most, hockey is difficult enough. However, somehow these guys have the athletic fortitude to balance on their skates while enjoying a nice buzz. If you can do this without puking then you have our full respect and you can drink whatever you want!
No Beer Nancies
These guys take life way too seriously. They are the guys doing pregame calisthenics in the parking lot an hour before the game despite skating like this guy. Instead of sitting back and enjoying a nice cold cruiser with their teammates, they’re downing a muscle milk or water or, more likely, rushing back to the house because they get up for work in 5 hours. As the beer gods say, “drink your beer slowly and reverently as if it is the axis on which the earth revolves – slowly, evenly, without rushing towards the future. Live the actual moment. Only this moment is life.” And after all, beer league hockey is life.
This is a beer league selfie: